Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
