Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
