We're like a lot better than the average bears
What a fucking waste of an outfit
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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