dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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