i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
