apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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