I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
