drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
