Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
