Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Holy shit dude........stairs
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
