My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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