seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i would punch a child for taco bell
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
