my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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