Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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