he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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