I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
