My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
