i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
