Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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