Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
love makes seman taste better
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
