Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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