I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
