Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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