If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
