who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
