Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
