What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I am midnight drunk by noon
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
