Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
