He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
