I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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