ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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