I think im going to throw up on grandma
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
