Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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