Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
