Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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