just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
