Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Randomize
