You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
