I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
