got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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