Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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