I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
