ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just want nice things and good sex
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
