2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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