highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
