see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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