I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
