I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
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