i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
