He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
