I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
