I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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